Lesson of the day: Analogies

Teachers : Vikings :: Desperation : pillage

I know that analogies can be confusing, so I am going to break this one down for you. Let’s start with a definition, an analogy is a similarity between like features of two things, on which a comparison may be based. With that in mind, think… think hard. Teachers and Vikings??? I’m sure you have all heard that thousands of California teachers are loosing their jobs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Skimp, save, be a tight wad! But when the time comes, and it will come, pillage! I don’t mean take all of Kroger with you the next time you visit the market. Because in all honesty we will get severance or unemployment, but until then we have to deal with the budget cuts at work. It isn’t as though our pockets are empty, no, no, they have been sewn shut for crying out loud. And this past week I had taken all that I could take! I was tired of the dirty looks from the office staff every time I ask for ink or paper, so I took matters into my own hands.
Recently the teacher in the classroom next to me was transferred to another school and his room was empty… or was it? I was able to get a key from the secretary and scope out the bounteous treasures that lay within the newly emptied room. As I stood in the doorway, it was as if my long buried Viking blood came bubbling to the surface. Pillage!!! One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I had merely gone in with the intention of taking the desk (since my own has been broken for ages), but then it hit me, the room was like the ruins of a past civilization. Like Egypt, Rome or Greece the “artifacts” therein could be pillaged and reused or possibly… sold. I could not manage the feet on my own, and thus enlisted the aid of 7 student aids. In all we were able to pillage:
1 giant teacher desk
1table
2 dry erase markers
1 ink cartridge
60 or so pages of white computer paper
12 colored pencils
1 mini post it pad
1daily planer
10 report folders (with school logo)
5 unused referrals
1 extension cord

Desperate times call for desperate measures

The Pied Piper of teenage boys…

There are specific types of teachers at every school, and I have finally come to know just which of the teachers I am. I am that teacher, yes you know that one. Not the mean one, not the mom one, not the so old your not sure how they are still alive one. No, I am that one… the pied piper of teenage boys. You remember the story of the pied piper right? Had an amazing ability to attract rats and children. Well, I attract teenagers, boys specifically. I’m not proud, in fact I find it confusing. What exactly acts as my pipe? Could they be drawn to my completely invisible cleavage? Perhaps it is my always Katherine Hepburn inspired baggy men’s trousers and non form fitting suit jackets? I mean really, since when did chubby Italian girls become all the rage? I’m honest with them, I’m a NERD! Since when did Star Wars geeks become attractive to teenage boys? What happened to all the regular teenage boys? Were they taken by pod people and replaced by chubby chasing aliens? My confusion really comes from my own reflections on high school. Never in a million years would any of my friends have told a teacher they were hot! I mean think it, joke with your friends about it, but never and I mean never would it have even been for a second considered something that you would say to your teacher. Have things changed that much in the past 10 years? I am exhausted. I can only hope that over the weekend all the normal youth of America will be returned by the evil pod people who have caused me so much stress.

Today's lesson: having a bubble is never a bad thing

Burrito Contraband

When you work at a high school, it is amazing to see the things that become contraband, clandestine actions, otherwise known as the black market of high school students. I mean really, gum… sounds pretty innocent right? Little did you know that there was a black market gum trading ring at your local high school. Careful, you might get your kneecaps busted if you are behind on your gum payments. But really, that is child’s play. Let’s talk about the real stuff, the hard core contraband of the high school world. There are always drugs, but more interestingly there are things you would never expect them to be selling. For example at my high school we recently had a burrito selling ring. I will admit several of the teachers were involved in the burrito contraband ring, buying the most amazing burritos EVER made. I, trying to be “good” held out for a while until the temptation was just too much and I gave in. But of course, the one time I take part in the underground networking of the high school black market, something would have to go terribly, terribly wrong. Pablo the burrito dealer got caught on camera selling… Caught on camera “exchanging” foil wrapped packages for undetermined amounts of cash… As soon as he got my money the security guard picked him up. Okay, I can see how bad the foil wrapped package looked, but really!!! I mean we are in the ghetto, there is no 17 year old kid with enough money to buy what would have looked like a 5 pound brick of foil wrapped heroin. Clearly it had to be something else! Now, these kids take their clandestine actions very seriously. Do you think he would admit to the principal what he was selling? Not a chance. So, heartbreak of all heartbreaks the burrito underground was brought to a crashing halt… and I never got my burrito…

Freedom Writers

People are always telling me I need to watch “Freedom Writers”, but I refuse to watch it. Why you ask… well, simply put I work in the ghetto. Why would I watch a movie about someone else who works in the ghetto? I mean is the movie supposed to make me feel better about working in the ghetto? I teach essays. I was supposed to teach how to write an essay, not to avoid becoming one. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. But when I get home do you really think I want to watch a movie about teaching in the ghetto? NO!!!! I want to watch nothing even related to teaching. When I leave work I don’t even want to know that teenagers exist. In fact, on the weekends I go to movie theaters where teenagers are not allowed after 9 PM. I have also ended all friendships with people who have siblings under the age of 20. I mean really, it is a sad thing when you can't remember your first name and answer only to “hey you”, “teacher” or “umm… what’s your name again?”. Anyway, to be honest, this “Freedom Writers” chick has nothing on me. Let me give you a summary of last weeks events at my school: 5 students found high on meth, 1 dead body found across the street, 1 sky diver who’s shoot didn’t open slammed into the P.E. field, 3 students expelled (one for illegal selling of burritos) and a lock down due to a shooting in the neighborhood across the street. Top that YO!