Locked up Abroad Lesson # 1: “Don’t Take Packages from Strangers"

I have waited my entire life, all 25 years of it, to visit South America. And finally, my dream is about to come true. I will be spending 12 days in November basking in the beauty and culture of Chile and Peru. I will take in the sights, eat way more than I should, and carry a copy of Pablo Neruda’s “20 love poems and a song of despair” everywhere I go. My kids are oddly afraid that I am going to end up in prison in Chile or Peru and not make it back for finals. Now, as I am wondering what to wear, how much to pack and whether or not to bring a flat iron, my students decided to impart some thug life knowledge on me to help me survive the rough streets of Santiago. So they have over the past few days compiled a list of tips to help me through my adventure.

1. Don’t take packages from strangers (apparently drug traffickers prey on unsuspecting / stupid / too nice to say no tourists. I’m not really sure which of the above listed qualities my student was implying that I possess…).

2. Never let your drink out of your sight. One minute your drinking a soda and the next thing you know, your gonna wake up in a crappy hotel room tub packed in ice with a note thanking you for your kidney (one of my students has a cousin, who has an uncle, who has a friend, whose daughter had that happen to her).

3. Don’t talk to strangers. Randomly in conversations over the past 2 months I have had this delightful comment made to me by several of my kids, “Don’t talk to strangers, your gonna get kidnapped. Green eyes sell big on the black market, you know…” No, I didn’t. But thanks for that tid-bit of information that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

4. Write a will (or to make things easy, just give my stuff away before I go and buy all new stuff when I get back).

5. Learn to do a choke hold, just in case someone does try to kidnap me.

Instructions

• Step 1:

Thrust your chin to your chest the instant you feel someone trying to put you in a sleeper choke hold. If your chin is on your chest they will not be able to get their arm around your throat and won't be able to render you unconscious. (okay, so chin down…)

• Step 2:

Reach up with both hands. Place the hand closest to the attacker's hand on his choking arm over his hand. Place the other hand on the elbow of the choking arm. Both of your hands should be on the attacker's arm that is around your head. (really, both hands on the attackers arm? You mean asking them politely won’t make them stop???)

• Step 3:

Squeeze the pressure point near the elbow. You can find this about 1 inch above the elbow. Place your thumb on one side of the arm and your middle finger on the other side. Squeeze the bone between your fingers hard. Try it on yourself. It hurts. (Pressure points…maybe I can test this out on my TA)

• Step 4:

Push the wrist on the attacker's choking arm toward his elbow. Do this by placing your hand on the back of his hand. Wrap your fingers around the meaty part of the hand beneath the attacker's thumb. Place your thumb between the knuckles of his middle and ring fingers. Push in the direction of the elbow, making sure the attacker's wrist is bending. Use the hand pressing on the pressure point near the elbow to push toward the wrist. Your hands should be pushing toward each other. The attacker will be distracted by the pain in his wrist and elbow. (I think I can do that…)

• Step 5:

Step behind the attacker by moving to the side and swinging your inside leg around him. Be sure to do this on the side of the choking arm. When you step behind him you will be facing his back. Push the choking arm up and over your head as you move behind the attacker. (okay…)

• Step 6:

Pull the attacker's arm behind him as you move behind him. This should be easy since you are holding his wrist and elbow. Once his arm is behind his back push the wrist up toward his head. Trip the attacker forward onto his face and follow him to the ground. You now have him at your mercy (seems pretty easy… and this will totally give me some street credit…)